You sit in your grey cubicle, hunched over your desk, the day of your big report. Palms sweating, your hand grips the mouse with a furious intensity. You emailed it to yourself from your home computer to save time- but once again, your inbox has become rife with special offers, curated playlists, & discogs wishlist notifications. Your report email is lost in a sea of thousands.. How could this be?! I just checked my email this morning! I cleared my inbox before I left for work! 6,817 unread emails already?! All at once, several calendar notifications and reminders pop up on your screen as you realize you double booked lunch with two important clients- neither of which you can afford to lose.

Almost immediately, your phone buzzes. It’s Mr Wong. Shit! 7 missed calls? How could that be?! I didn’t even feel it buzz! Your sweat-drenched thumb fumbles for the “Can’t talk now” auto-text. Taking a minute to stop and think of a solution wouldn’t be a bad idea.. "Aha! This is what iCloud backups are for!” you exclaim aloud!
“Shut the fok up!” yells Ted from the cubicle next to you. It’s possible he despises you even more than he did ten minutes ago.


You are screwed. Maybe you should have backed up your files instead of wasting your morning away catching up with all the fresh content on your favorite sub-reddits.

Minimizing your browser window, you realize your hypercam2 is on- and your panicked, sweat drenched face is being live-streamed- straight to the conference room. Am I dreaming? A flood of comments -a live chat- is visible to the right of your hideous visage. You scroll up into the chat history and people are talking about how nervous you look. You look at the time and realize your presentation started 10 minutes ago and every one is waiting for you to start. “Uhhmm.. Hello!” you utter, as your monitor starts to flicker. It’s switching itself on & off, displaying a sea different colors as you attempt to point your browser to nearest support forum. “I.. uhh.. seem to be having technical difficulties… stand by!” as you reach to unplug your hypercam2.

“U Wot M8? U WOT?" Exclaims Ted.

“Not talking to you, Ted! I’m sorry!” you frantically exclaim.

“I’LL FOCKIN REK U M8” He replies.

Ah! Some one has replied to your query about restoring your cloud backup!

“I RESTORED YER MUM’S BACKUP” -exclaims forum user cuckboi2814

Shit! Should have known that would happen. Your last resort is the dreaded live chat. Your phone is ringing again. It’s Mr. Wong. The digital clock in the upper right hand corner of your screen seems to advance 10 minutes for every IRL minute. Your screen is flickering red and you realize you are now half an hour late for your double-booked lunches. Right now, both of your clients are waiting for you at different restaurants. Your presentation was supposed to be completed an hour ago.

Finally! My support ticket is up. You open the chat window:

"Привіт! Як я можу вам допомогти?”

They have outsourced the live chat to the Ukraine. Just great. It will be another half hour before I get another spot in the support queue. You feel a firm tap on your shoulder. It’s Ted, red-faced, ripping a smiley face stress-ball into pieces. Right next to him is your boss, with a very stern look on his face. “We need to talk.” A piercing high frequency overtakes your right ear as your field of vision is flooded with little sparks.

Light headed, dizzy, & illogical, you slump in your chair and let the darkness overtake you.



released May 11, 2016



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H.V.R.F. CENTRAL COMMAND Pryp'Yat', Ukraine

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